I was 29 years old, we had two beautiful boys and were 19 weeks pregnant with our third child. We went to get an ultrasound to find out gender. The tech made two swipes with the wand and her demeanor immediately changed. She asked if we had done blood work to check for anomalies. We said no that we do not believe in abortion so it would not have changed our course just made things more stressful. I asked her what was wrong several times and no answer was uttered. I finally asked if my children and family needed to leave the room. She said, “Yes.” With that “yes” my heart broke. I knew my life would never be the same. I asked if this condition was compatible with life and she said never that she had seen. Then I crumbled.
The doctor came in so matter of fact. “Your baby has a large cystic hygroma and hydrops it is not compatible with life; I would recommend termination so that it is easier on you.” Hygromas are fluid filled sacs usually in the back of the neck and hydops is when that fluid spreads to other areas of the body. He recommended an amniocintisis and within seconds a needle was inserted. I was given no time to process anything that was going on, I was truly in shock.
We both told the doctor we did not believe in abortion we would let God lead this journey however long or short it may be. The doctor then got the medical book and showed me graphic pictures of aborted fetuses with hydrops and hygromas. Again we said we did not believe in abortion. We were given termination paperwork and told if I chose to continue the pregnancy to schedule an appointment for two weeks.
At first I was numb, I did not want to find out the gender I wanted to separate myself from the situation. We were told it would take several days for the amnio results, but the next day came and I received a phone call telling me were having a baby girl and she had Turner Syndrome. The doctor wanted to clarify several times that it did not change the outcome she would not survive. That was the first time I broke down.
I had always assumed I was having another boy, and I had never dreamed about having a girl until now this finished the puzzle made her so real. This was my first step in mourning my daughter.
We went for three appointments a week to check for a heartbeat. She fought hard for 6 weeks; she passed at 25 weeks longer than they expected but shorter than I had hoped.
I thanked God for those 6 weeks. We were able to name her, Mathilda Hope Walker. We were able to love her. We met amazing people from all over the world that came out of the woodwork to support us. We were introduced to Alexandra’s House, perinatal hospice. Words cannot describe the appreciation and love we have for them. They were there every step of the way to support us and show us God’s love. Through Mathilda we were given a support system larger than we could have ever imagined. We saw her change the hearts of our doctors and all who heard her story forever.
When she was born they handed her to me. When I looked at her I saw God’s image. I have never felt more peace than looking at her beautiful face. They had so adamently told me to terminate her and I am so glad I did not succumb to their notion that it would be easier. I loved every swollen inch of her from head to toe. I have never felt closer to God then those moments. God opened my eyes to the beauty and perfection, not an anomaly. Mathilda has guided me down a path towards God’s purpose for my life. People have told me that they were sorry I did not receive the miracle that we prayed for. I say Mathilda was much more than one miracle, she was many and she continues to bless my family through the hearts she has touched and continues to touch.
